just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
