well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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