I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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