I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
