Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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