Me. At least after what I've been through.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
