i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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