My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
