what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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