i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
