I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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