so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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