hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Enjoy the penises
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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