Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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