First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
