in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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