After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Randomize
