it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
