is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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