I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
