I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
