Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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