I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
