come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
