She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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