Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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