I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
