There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
