i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Actions speak louder than pants.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
