If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
