my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
