you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
