It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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