At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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