how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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