What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
