saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
