Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
