I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
