you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
