did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
