Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
