I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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