The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
