oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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