broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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