i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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