Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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