i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
