Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
a search helicopter?!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
this is an emotional support booty call
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
