Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
