i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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