I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
