I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
