I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
