1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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