the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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